There's no going back now....

I went to the comic book store with Jay today. $58 later, I am officially a comic book nerd. I don't think there's any hope for me now, but at least I have some good reading material.

I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore

I've come to the conclusion that I am no good at winning arguments. So I think I'll avoid getting into them as much as possible.

I can't wait until my therapist gets back from vacation.

I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes lately. Basically what I've done is gone from my standard drunken sad bastard music (Alkaline Trio) to new drunken sad bastard music. So don't be suprised if I post a lot of Bright Eyes lyrics over the next couple of days.

I have two days in a row off. I'm going to play so many video games it's not even funny.

"Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the days
Sunrise, sunset, you wake up, then you undress, it always is the same
A sunrise and a sunset, you are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain
The sunrise and the sun sets, you realize and then you forget
What you have been trying to retain
But everybody knows that it's all about the things that get stuck inside of your head
Like the songs your roommate sings, a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed
She raised her hands in the air, asked you
"When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
'Cause you've changed, yeah, you've changed"
Sunrise, sunset, you're hopeful, then you regret, the circle never breaks
With a sunrise and sunset there's a change of heart or address, is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset, you're manic or you’re depressed, will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise and a sunset, your lover is an actress, did you really think she'd stay?
For a sunrise or a sunset, you're either coming or you just left
But you're always on the way
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet, they are really just the same
To the sunrise or the sunset, the master and his servant have exactly the same fate
It’s a sunrise and a sunset, from a cradle to a casket, there is no way to escape
The sunrise and the sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play
But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won’t know what to do
And at the moment you are laughing, there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you
So it’s true, the trick is complete
You've become everything you said you never would be
You’re a fool, you're a fool
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset
The sunrise and the sunset, go home to your apartment
Put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play
Sunrise, sunset, where are you, Arienette?
Where are you, Arienette?"

"Sunrise, Sunset" - Bright Eyes

"If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way

And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds,
Like a jewlery store case
They argue walk this way, no walk this way

And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving she wakes up and says,
"I dreamed you were carried away,
On the crest of a wave. Baby, don't go away.
Come here."

And there's kids playing guns in the street
And one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up, I say "Enough is enough.
If you walk away, I'll walk away."
And then he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
For my land-locked blues
It will pass away, like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the worlds got me dizzy again
You'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around,
or walking away

And I'm drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
And it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something, give it away."

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for a possible heart
And you may be offended, you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background
From televised war
And in a defeaning pleasure
I thought I heard someone say
"If we walk away, they'll walk away."

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke, we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch
The sad comic display
If you're still free, start running away
'Cuz they're coming for ya

I've grown tried of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying "Let me walk away, please."

You'll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language
In measurable time
And then we can trade places
play musical graves
tell them walk away, walk away, walk away

So I'm up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving, but I don't know where to I'm leaving, but I don't know where to"

"One Foot in Front of the Other" - Bright Eyes

I hate you with a passion

Have I mentioned that I hate going to the dentist? No? Well, I hate going to the dentist. No one who prods my mouth with sharp metal objects and makes me drool on myself is no friend of mine.

Will you still be waiting? That's something that I can't ask you to be

Okay. Let's recap tonight. First, I went to aroma's and drank entirely too much chai. Then, I went on a video scavanger hunt with 6 of my friends in which I carresed the crotch of a statue of a guy playing an accordian and sang a tender love song to a pack of hotdogs in Safeway. Then, I dressed up in women's clothing which was entirely too tight for me (everyone cross-dressed. I wasn't the only one. Not that there would be anything wrong with that). Then, I played Twister (still wearing women's clothing mind you). Then, we tied balloons to our feet and stomped around the living room trying to pop each other's balloons. The amazing thing? We were all stone cold sober. And it was a blast. And the picture of me singing to the pack of hot dogs is a classic. It'll probably end up on my Friendster page. I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I miss those hot dogs.....

That's it, I quit, I don't give a shit

Too much caffeine....coming down....waiting to do video scavanger hunt, but have a feeling other person isn't going to show up....getting tired...very hot. Donuts sound good right now.

Why the fuck do relationships mean so much to me? When will I stop bitching about the fact that I'm single? Why don't I have enough confidence in myself to think that I can get a girlfriend? Why does all of this matter so much to me? How long until I go crazy or until I become a callous, cold hearted bastard?

I'm looking for girls on Friendster. Either I'm bored or completly desperate. Or a little of both.

I really don't know what to do right now. My ex-girlfriend just moved to Utah. I haven't talked to her since October, but I emailed her when I found out she moved, and we've been conversing a bit since. I still am not 100% sure that I want to be talking to her. Our relationship ending kind of messy and she did some things to me that I won't ever forget. But at the same time, she was a really close friend of mine for three years, and I feel the need to try to repair what happened and try to be friends with her again. I'm not interested in her at all romantically anymore, but I still hold hopes that our friendship can get back to what it was before. Maybe I'm just crazy (there are some people who won't argue that). I really don't know what to do.

On a much less serious and more nerdy side note, Kingdom Hearts is a fun game, but it really pisses me off sometimes. I hate the battle system, and I really just want to stab Goofy in the eyes, but I have to play long enough to at least see Halloween Town. But as soon as I get that far, Goofy is as good as dead.

Destination Unknown....Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho

Watched "Final Destination 2" today...the script was pretty bad, acting kind of sucked, and plot was even more unbelievable than the first. So it wasn't quite as good as the first one. But some dude gets chopped into pieces by barbed wire. So it's an okay movie in my book.

I really want cookies right now.

Your Life is in Your Hands and You Don't Even Know It
I remember the day when my life bled through my hands
I remember the day they stood there and watched me die
How can I forget it?
The crying
The twisted faces
I remember it all
The feeling of my stomach twisting in on itself
Like it was made out of rope
Muscles no longer exist
They have atrophied into a tangled mess
I remember the day you lost faith
I remember the day that you looked at me in anger
Selfish was not a strong enough word
Tears were not a strong enough acid
I can not forget any of it
It haunts me at night and chases away sleep
Like it is something that is found in the wind
Peaceful nights no longer exist
They have dissolved away into tormented lucidity
I remember the day that you told me I have everything
And I remember throwing it all away

Beating a dead horse

Have I mentioned that the new Thrice album is amazing? If you like hardcore, even if you just like it a little, go buy it now.

"i sit here clutching useless lists
and keys for doors that don't exist
i crack my teeth on pearls
i tear into the history
just show me what it means to me in this world

cause i'm due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
til i understand or go blind

i see the parts but not the whole
i study saints and scholars both
no perfect plan unfurls
do i trust my heart or just my mind
why is truth so hard to find in this world

i know there's a point i've missed
a shrine or stone i haven't kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn't met my fist
but i can't help feeling that i'm

due for a miracle"

thrice "stare at the sun"

How can you think of yourself at a time like this

Wow. It's official. I'm an asshole.

"darling don't you know the water is poison?" and I say "Come on and give me my poison"

Okay....I have about 900 things to say, and I don't really know how to say them or the order in which to say them, so I'm sure this is going to be a jumbled mess. I apologize in advance.

I was told today that everyone in my life will hurt me at some point. As true as that may be (and has been) I still think it's bullshit. Maybe I just have too much faith in myself and the people I know, but I truly believe that we can put that belief to death. But that's probably just me being a little too optimistic.

The new Thrice album is amazing. Great hardcore songs with just the right amount of well placed screaming in songs of pain, hurt and hope. Awesome.

I know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I haven't decided if I'm even going to try or not.

Another Failure
Bury me in this dirt I stand upon
And say all the nice words that you can think of
Because I don't think that I will breath ever again
Say your goodbyes and cry all your tears
i couldn't take your mind off him
yeah i'm just another failure

I knew that we were on two different levels. I just never knew that they were so far apart.

I don't appreciate what I have and take it all for granted.

At this point right now, I don't care about anything. I just want to sleep.

That's all I have for now. I'm sure I'll have more for later.

How can we make it through today without thinking about tomorrow?

I need sleep. I've either been staying up too late or having trouble getting to sleep the past four or five days. My mind has been too active lately...it just won't shut off when I lay down to go to sleep. I probably should stop driking so much too...when I'm around people I'm fine, but when I call it a night and go to my bedroom and I'm alone, I start getting depressed. Too much thinking again....damn brain. I was always told that my brain would get me somewhere...it better start pulling it's weight or it's outta here. Anyway, time to be a lazy bum.

Lego's drawer was $60 short today because she couldn't read my handwriting...I feel really bad about it.

Oh, and I'm done smoking, hopefully for good. I didn't really enjoy it as much when I was smoking, and my throat hurt like hell this morning. So yeah. I really have no desire right now to smoke again. So that's good.

When you're on, you rip my heart right out

"Hoping for the best that's hoping nothing happens
a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
i will never ask if you don't ever tell me
i know you well enough to know you'll never love me"
-taking back sunday

Welcome back outcasts cause I know how you have felt over the years

I am so torn up right now, I don't even know where to begin. Somewhere along the line, there was a discussion about nuts being embedded in pastries, something about the (or is it a?) lizard and me feeding myself to Steph's dogs. I do not know the order nor do I know exactly what was said about each. All I know is that they were all the funniest things I have ever heard. I'll try to clear this up later.

Everything I learned about breaking hearts I learned from you

huh....well, I had something to say when I sat down at my computer, but it seems to have left me. Farg it.

You were the last good thing I ever saw

Ever had those days when you thought that you were working the closing shift, so you stay up really late because you think that you get to sleep in, and then you wake up at 10 after about 3 hours of sleep to call your boss and ask if she can punch out some Alkaline Trio tickets for you and that you'll pay for them when you come in and she says sure, and then asks if you know you're supposed to be opening, and that you're already an hour late? And after work you're supposed to go to a party but you just go home and crash in your bed cause you're so damn tired that you don't really feel like doing anything? Welcome to my day. Oh well. at least I get to see Alkaline Trio at least two more times next month (possibly three...I'm working on the third). So I'm totally stoked by that. Anyway, time for sleep, so I can go to the party and not drink since I have to open tomorrow.

Motown never sounded so good

Just watched "Bowling for Columbine" again. I'm moving to Canada. There is a sickness in this country that terrifies me. What makes us kill each other? What makes us hate each other. I'll never understang racism or homophobia or sexism or anything along those lines. I just can't understand how our society has come to fear and hate each other. Canada sounds so much nicer. And besides, they appreciate hockey more than America. Sounds like the perfect place for me.

"We all sing the songs of seperation and we've watched our lives bleed from our hands." - thursday

You know all my favorite singers have stolen all of my best lines

Did you ever crave sugar so much that you ate an entire jar of mott's cinnamon flavored apple sauce? No? Me neither.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Suggestions are welcomed.

waiting for lego

Tegan and Sara are fucking rock goddesses. Any disagreements will not be tolerated.

"you went away cause you said you couldn't love me. I went away, cause all I do is love you."-Tegan and Sara

she sits down on the sidewalk and bites her bottom lip, and spends the afternoon willing traffic-lights to change

Okay kids. Sit down and listen closely, cause I'm about to say something I don't say that often. I'm happy. That 's right. You hear me correctly. Things in my life life are going pretty good right now. Sure, I'm still missing some key things in my life, and I had to hear that things were going good from two people before I was able to realize it, but all in all, things are good. It's weird how it was kind of hard to admit that things are going good and that I'm feeling happier...guess I feel like I'm betraying that gloomy side of me that 's been around for all these years. Oh well. Fuck it. I'm happy. And I know that eventually I'll obtain those key things that I'm still missing. So screw you depression.

So close to seeing Tegan and Sara...I can taste it :} And I promise that I won't smoke tonight.

Oh yeah....the air conditioner at work was emitting weird smells, so some guy came and made it smell better by using some citrus type cleaner. I felt like I was walking around in a lemon all day. Weird.

"Never look down, just keep my focus straight ahead and try to walk this line." - face to face

I Hate Waiting

Can I fast-forward my life to when I have all the things that I want in my life? That would be great.

I really don't want to open tomorrow. Damn work.

God did not build Irish people for running

Tried to run with Steph and her dogs today. Overweight and out of shape Irish men should not run. God my legs hurt. About this time tomorrow I'll be watching Tegan & Sara. There's nothing like seeing two cute Canadian lesbien twins rocking out. Hell yeah chocodile.

When do I get my own bitch?

I'm going to be a lab bitch next semester for one of my professors at school. I'm totally looking foward to it. I can't wait until I get to pickle my first crocodile.

Ren and Stimpy rule

You ever get that feeling like you're coming to a realization that you don't want to come to? No fun. Ren and Stimpy is even funnier when you're trashed. I wish I were a Canadian Kilted Yaksmen....

Tom Clancy has far too much time on his hands

Started Ghost Recon today. It's pretty cool. Not a big fan of squad based games, but it's still fun. Except when the game switched me to my secondary character right as a bullet was headed for his head. Thanks game.

It's so frickin' hot I wish I could take off my skin. In fact, I may work on figuring out how I can do that with out bleeding to death.

Bloody Scissorfight

Hand me those scissors over there
so I can cut my heart out
because it doesn't know how to feel anymore
and it's just pumping air through my veins
you can even keep your hands on the handle if you'd like
and sever my ateries and cut the flesh away
make me bleed like i bleed every day
because i don't know what to do with myself
stab me with those scissors over there
i need to feel something other than doubt
cut me up in pieces and store me in a box
destroy everything about me in a bloddy scissor fight

Ow my face

Went to Warped Tour today. Got sunburned (of course. Stupid Irish skin), have a huge bruise on my arm and nearly broke my finger. So of course it was a great time. There weren't as many bands that I wanted to see this year, but I rocked out during face to face (got to meet them too and get their autographs. Cool), and I got to see Less Than Jake, who are one of my favorite bands. Not only did I get to see Less Than Jake, but Talib Kweli came onto the stage during their set and he did some "rythmic flowing" while the band laid down a groove for him. Sweet. Good times.

As Good as Mine

Unbalanced feelings are what dominates this night
One-sided feelings are what dominates my mind
Blood stained carpets
and tear stained pillows are all I know
Atrophied fingers do not write poetry
They just spread the sickness
From my mind to yours
Until it poisons you
Like I've poisoned myself
Poisoned minds lead to poisoned hearts
Why else would I try to convince myself that you don't care?
Why do these thoughts matter to me at all?
Your guess is as good as mine

I've been hooked by the drug that is Friendster. There really is no hope at all for me.

We sell Warped Tour tickets where I work. The show sold out. I had to dissapoint cute punk girls all night by telling them that we had no tickets left. I'm a horrible person. Please stop the voice in my head.

self doubt = bad. sleep = good. doubt about being able to sleep = an equation I won't even pretend to be able to work out.

Redrum rum was bequeathed to man from the gods above. It was sent down to us in a fiery chariot so that all of man-kind could imbibe it and feel better about life. Praise the gods!

my dad gave me a bunch of food from his house because he's on a low sodium diet now. so now i'm knee deep in easy to prepare oven goods. god help me.