Ron Jeremy

There are a bunch of girls downstairs in their pajamas giggling and kicking balloons around. I feel like a porn star.

Let Your Losses Dangle off the Sharp Edge of the Century

Tomorrow is my last day working at the music store that I've worked at for the past 5 years. Now, I know I'm susceptible to sentimentality, but I think some is appropriate for this. I'm 23; I've worked there for roughly a 5th of my life (I say 5th because, as Peter Griffin would say, that's a fraction I can't even begin to measure. I cant divide 5 into 23 in my head. Or is it 23 into 5? Fuck, I don't know). In the scheme of my life, that's a fairly long time. It was the first real job I ever had. It wasn't a summer temp job; it was a real, honest to god 36-40 hours a week job. So, yesterday I was listening to Tegan & Sarah and the Weakerthans (two albums that got heavy rotation in the store) while receiving, and it brought up a lot of memories. Sure, I hated working retail, but I had so much fucking fun working there because of my co-workers. Working with Jeff was great because we got to music snobs and talk about stupid stuff and goof around (and get high while on the job every once in awhile); it was a blast. Larissa was awesome too. And I miss Marina to death. She was a great friend, and I regret losing touch with her.

So, if I have all these great memories, why the sentimentality? I'm fucking scared, that's why. I feel like so much change is right around the corner in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I welcome change; evolution is a necessity. But, It still scares me. Most might think I'm referring to the wedding, but that actually scares me the least. I've lived with Steph for two years now, and I love her as much today as I did then. All that's changing is the title of what we are. What scares me is where I'm heading and what I'm leaving behind. I'll be honest; I still don't know what I want to do with my life, It changes on an almost daily basis. And that kind of worries me. I feel like I'll spend too much time trying to figure things out, that it will be too late to do anything when I do figure it out (please hold your "But you're only 23!" comments for now please). Second, I don't know if I want to live around here anymore. We just can't afford to live here, unless we fall into a substantial amount of money. But at the same time, everything I know is here; I've lived in this area my whole life. It's like a comfort zone for me, and all the friends I have are here (I don't have very many, but I'll take quality over quantity any day). That said, I'd love to live someplace else. I feel like I haven't really lived on my own yet because I've always had a safety net, something or someone to fall back on.

To sum it up, I'm at a crossroads, and the looming change has me somewhat scared. But at the same time I'm excited about all the possibilities. I do feel like for the first time, I can say "I want to do this," and I can actually do it. I guess that it's fitting that in the episode of "Six Feet Under" that I watched last night, Kathy Bates' character says to Ruth, "If you're scared of doing something, than that means you should probably do it."

Take a deep breath, be strong. First things first: I'm calling Marina.