Friday, May 27, 2005

Let Your Losses Dangle off the Sharp Edge of the Century

Tomorrow is my last day working at the music store that I've worked at for the past 5 years. Now, I know I'm susceptible to sentimentality, but I think some is appropriate for this. I'm 23; I've worked there for roughly a 5th of my life (I say 5th because, as Peter Griffin would say, that's a fraction I can't even begin to measure. I cant divide 5 into 23 in my head. Or is it 23 into 5? Fuck, I don't know). In the scheme of my life, that's a fairly long time. It was the first real job I ever had. It wasn't a summer temp job; it was a real, honest to god 36-40 hours a week job. So, yesterday I was listening to Tegan & Sarah and the Weakerthans (two albums that got heavy rotation in the store) while receiving, and it brought up a lot of memories. Sure, I hated working retail, but I had so much fucking fun working there because of my co-workers. Working with Jeff was great because we got to music snobs and talk about stupid stuff and goof around (and get high while on the job every once in awhile); it was a blast. Larissa was awesome too. And I miss Marina to death. She was a great friend, and I regret losing touch with her.

So, if I have all these great memories, why the sentimentality? I'm fucking scared, that's why. I feel like so much change is right around the corner in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I welcome change; evolution is a necessity. But, It still scares me. Most might think I'm referring to the wedding, but that actually scares me the least. I've lived with Steph for two years now, and I love her as much today as I did then. All that's changing is the title of what we are. What scares me is where I'm heading and what I'm leaving behind. I'll be honest; I still don't know what I want to do with my life, It changes on an almost daily basis. And that kind of worries me. I feel like I'll spend too much time trying to figure things out, that it will be too late to do anything when I do figure it out (please hold your "But you're only 23!" comments for now please). Second, I don't know if I want to live around here anymore. We just can't afford to live here, unless we fall into a substantial amount of money. But at the same time, everything I know is here; I've lived in this area my whole life. It's like a comfort zone for me, and all the friends I have are here (I don't have very many, but I'll take quality over quantity any day). That said, I'd love to live someplace else. I feel like I haven't really lived on my own yet because I've always had a safety net, something or someone to fall back on.

To sum it up, I'm at a crossroads, and the looming change has me somewhat scared. But at the same time I'm excited about all the possibilities. I do feel like for the first time, I can say "I want to do this," and I can actually do it. I guess that it's fitting that in the episode of "Six Feet Under" that I watched last night, Kathy Bates' character says to Ruth, "If you're scared of doing something, than that means you should probably do it."

Take a deep breath, be strong. First things first: I'm calling Marina.

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